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As humans, we have an innate habit of responding selfishly. We naturally look at a situation through a blinkered lens that focuses on our own feelings and not others. When faced with challenges, we react rather than think. 

One of the biggest things I’ve learnt, and am still learning, over the last couple of years is learning to love especially when it’s hard. I still haven’t perfected this, and it’s something I’ve really been struggling with this week, so I thought I’d put down some of my thoughts around the topic. 

So first of all, how can we define love? 

What comes to mind when you think of love? Motherly love? Brotherly love? Puppy love? It comes in many different forms, and I think our definition of love is greatly influenced by films and songs. 

Very Well Mind describes love as “a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust”. They claim that it is one of the most studied behaviours, but the least understood. 

Similarly, most dictionary definitions describe love as a “strong feeling” or “passionate affection”. It’s all very ‘feeling’ based. But what if love is more of an action than an emotion?

The Bible talks a lot about love but I think it is summarised well in the famous verses of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

When I am struggling to love, I look back on these verses. How can I be patient and kind? Are my feelings coming from envy, pride, or selfishness? Am I trying to honour this person, or am I self-seeking? 

But most of all, love delights in truth. This means that sometimes, being loving means saying truthful things that are difficult to say. But not saying them from selfish ambition, but because you want what is good and honourable for that person. 

Now, I don’t always do this well. Often, when in the heat of the moment, I am easily angered, I do think about all the ways a person has wronged me, or sometimes I just want to give up on someone and not persevere in love. But it’s helpful to remember that this is not what we’re called to do. 

Under the heat

I think when facing trials is when we can be the most unloving. In the first few months after Mum was diagnosed with cancer, there were some rather rocky times. Getting such a scary diagnosis is hard. There were times when Mum really lashed out at others. It was also tough for family and friends, sometimes we lashed out at each other too. 

God sees, knows and understands the difficulties we face, the Bible often refers to these as “burdens”. When facing trials, the human in us wants to lash out at each other, but what does God call us to do? Love one another through them.

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9)

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:9-10) 

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

Showing love when it’s hard

This is all very easy to say but when you’re in the thick of it and strong feelings of anger, hurt and pain are present, it’s a lot harder to love. I’ve been in situations where I think I’m showing people love and yet I’ve been hurting them, or the loving thing isn’t what they want to hear. What then? 

Well, when I’m finding it hard to love, that’s when I think about the love of Jesus, and His command for us: 

“Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:12-23) 

Now, it’s not often we’re in a situation where we actually have to die for each other. But how about: lay down one’s pride; lay down one’s anger; or lay down one’s envy. If Jesus died for us and showed the greatest love in that, and that’s the way we’re called to love, is it really that difficult to put aside our selfish ambitions? 

Well the answer to that is yes, it is – because we’re human! But thankfully, by recognising the difficulty to do this, and asking God to help us, we can respond in love, even when it’s really tough. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6) 

But sometimes we really don’t want to show love to someone. They’ve hurt us or wronged us, and we want to harbour that discontent towards them. And that’s when I also think of Jesus, I don’t love for me, I don’t love for other people, “I love because He first loved me” (1 John 4:19). 

So, there are my thoughts. This was all rather Bible verse heavy, I know. But when I’m facing such a challenging issue, I’m so very grateful for the wealth of help and knowledge that’s offered in the Bible.  

I’ve definitely felt challenged writing this, and it’s been really helpful to reflect on. So just one more verse that I want to take away from all of this: 

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3-4).