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Shem and I started dating in November 2022. On 23rd September 2023, we got married. In just ten months, we chose each other as life partners. 

This was quite an unexpected turn of events for me. Before becoming a Christian, I had other relationships and I never would have thought about moving things so quickly.

But I’m just going to go ahead and say it – Christians date to marry. 

It’s something I’ve found quite refreshing actually. Starting a relationship with clear intentions minimised anxiety, uncertainty and stress.

It meant that we had very frank and honest conversations, right from the start. Whilst I think this is partly due to our unique personalities, I believe it’s quite common for Christians to approach dating in this same way.

However, not all Christians get married so quickly so I thought I’d share a little bit about the thinking behind the journey that Shem and I took together from dating to marriage, and the way that God helped us shape our decision making. 

You can find a more detailed timeline of our relationship in the first series of this ‘life partner saga’: finding a life partner. 

Deciding in turbulence 

Starting a new relationship shortly after finding out your mum has Stage 4 breast cancer is quite a bold move. My life at the time was very turbulent. We didn’t know how long Mum had left to live and I was travelling between Bath and North Devon regularly. 

The uncertainty of dealing with this understandably had an interesting impact on my emotions. Beginning a relationship with someone can come with enough challenges as it is, let alone under these circumstances. But I think it was something that God graciously used to strengthen our relationship. 

A lot of relationships start with a ‘honeymoon’ period. This is the term that people use to describe the ‘puppy love’ that people experience when first dating. Everything seems new and exciting, and it feels like you’re on some sort of high. 

This was not the case for Shem and me. Because of mum’s situation, Shem and I experienced learning to navigate real-life hardships right from the start. 

It meant that we had to communicate well, and I very quickly learnt what a supportive and caring person he is. We also quickly discovered how each of us responds when faced with difficult situations. 

Learning together 

Being Christian really helped us navigate these challenges. It was so wonderful to have someone by my side that also trusted in God, and was able to encourage and remind me of His promises on the tough days. 

We started reading the Bible together very soon into dating, and this was something that had an amazing impact on our relationship. The Bible is full of wisdom and talks so well into real-life situations. 

By reading the Bible with someone, you both reflect on and discuss what you’ve read so it meant that we were having fruitful and open conversations with one another – helping us to get to know each other in a very honest way. 

Plus, and this is a bit of a funny one, when we started talking about getting married, someone from church recommended we read a marriage book. We started readingMarriage Matters by Winston Smith, which was very insightful. It reminded us that marriage is about the every day moments, and that when we approach them with a Christ-like attitude, these ordinary moments can extraordinarily show us God’s love. 

I think the best part about all of this reading was that we were being intentional in our conversations. We both put in the effort to learn how to love each other well, knowing that the best way to do this was by learning more about Jesus’ love for us together.

Sex (or lack of it) before marriage

I know that this topic seems ludicrous to most people nowadays but yes, Shem and I chose to wait until we were married to have sex.

Sex is a beautiful and enjoyable gift that God has given us. But Shem and I both believe that it’s something that God created for marriage, and so we waited. 

I think not having sex until marriage was, although difficult at times, a really wonderful decision. It allowed us to get to know each other in a non-physically intimate way. 

During the time we spent together, we focused on understanding each other’s personalities and didn’t get blind-sided by the desires that stem from physical intimacy. I could relax, knowing that Shem wouldn’t pressure me into having sex before I was ready – a feeling I’d been all too familiar with before becoming a Christian.

It’s a very controversial choice in today’s culture but it was a really beautiful thing to do. 

Getting to know one another, in a really detailed way 

One practical approach that greatly helped us was creating a list of topics to discuss. This was Shem’s bright idea (he loves making lists), and it also provided us with something meaningful to talk about on our dates. 

The topics ranged from practical living to Christian ideologies and included: 

• Life / career ambitions
• Political view points
• Church etiquette
• Consumerism / spending money 
• Starting a family and if / how many children we’d like 
• Make up / beauty
• Marital roles 
• Tithing / giving money to charity
• Medical treatments 
• Parenting styles
• Money and banking as a married couple

The key to these discussions was not necessarily agreeing on everything but understanding each other better through them.

Talking about money, for instance, has proved very useful as we start our marriage. Finances can often cause arguments in couples, so it was great to get used to talking freely about it early on. 

Praying together

Prayer has been, and continues to be, an essential part of our relationship. After every significant conversation, we make it a point to finish with a prayer. This practice helps us incorporate God into our relationship and the decisions we make.

Also, with everything going on in my life whilst Shem and I were dating, he was praying for me constantly – it felt like I had a little prayer warrior by my side. This was especially helpful when we faced challenges.

When we don’t pray around conversations, it’s much easier to get caught up in emotional responses. Prayer enables us to discuss something, and then give it to God and trust that He is working in the situation. 

In summary 

Choosing a life partner is an important decision. For Shem and me, our journey was guided by faith and intentionality.  Here are my key takeaways: 

• Clear intentions: Starting with clear goals minimised anxiety and stress.
• Honest communication: Open conversations helped us understand and support each other.
• Faith as a foundation: Prayer and Bible reading deepened our bond and provided wisdom around decision making.
• Waiting for marriage: Our decision to wait for sex taught us patience and respect.
• Practical discussions: Talking about important topics early on aligned our goals and expectations.
• Continuous prayer: Prayer helped us navigate challenges and trust in God’s guidance.

I hope our story shows that faith, open communication, and intentionality can really help in choosing a life partner. It’s been such a blessing to be able to trust God through it all, and I’m so grateful to have Shem by my side, knowing that we will now be facing life’s challenges together. 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10