Ok, so the title may be a bit misleading. There’s no right or wrong way to handle grief because it varies for everyone. But the 30th July marked one year since my Mum passed away, and I thought I’d write a little bit about how grief has affected me in the last year – including how I’ve faced physical, mental and emotional challenges, and what I did to overcome them.
What is grief?
HelpGuide.org describes grief as “a natural response to loss”. I like this definition because it’s true, it’s a natural response – there’s nothing that we can do to stop it, in fact the more we try to block it, the greater it will be.
Something that really surprised me in my experience with grief is the physical effects of it. In the following couple months of Mum dying, I could barely think straight and at times struggled to put a sentence together (something that would come as a surprise to anyone that knows me and what a chatterbox I am). I also experienced stomach and muscle pains, and extreme fatigue.
Mentally, doing life was quite a challenge too. I found myself having vivid dreams with Mum in and struggling to be in large social settings. It felt weird to be continuing on with normal life when there was such a storm and loss inside. Plus, before Mum’s passing, everything was very intensely about caring and supporting her, adjusting back to normal life felt a bit like whip lash.
And of course emotionally – there are so many emotions that come with grief, and it varies from sadness to relief to guilt to anger to regret to peace to so much more. One minute you’re fine, the next minute you’re in tears – it’s very confusing. I found that I was feeling emotions, without even realising it. Something inside felt unsettled and it wasn’t until I sat down and thought it through that I would realise where the emotions where coming from.
In a nutshell, grief is confusing. It comes in many forms, and is often masked by other things. Most importantly though, it’s different for everyone.
The six month mark
Everyone talks about the “whatever-number-the-article-tells-you stages of grief” – health.com has done one on The 7 Stages of Grief.
Personally, I don’t resonate with this at all. Perhaps I recognise some of these stages from when Mum was ill. But I don’t think grief is that simple. It hits you from no where, often in quite an unexpected way.
For me, the toughest time I felt was the six month mark. At the end of January, everything got very dark and gloomy. My energy was sucked from me and I had no motivation to do anything, even the things that I usually loved. It felt like all I could think about was work, or the fact that Mum had died and I would never speak to her again. I struggled communicating with my husband, and avoided seeing the people I would usually love to see.
It was interesting though, I didn’t even realise it had reached the six month mark. This wasn’t my mind knowing that a milestone was coming up, this was my body physically reacting to the loss that I felt in my life.
Dealing with grief
I just want to reiterate, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. There may be unhealthy ways to respond to it, but we all react differently to difficulties in life. Here are some of the ways that I handled grief:
Having a positive focus
Two months after Mum passing away, I married my now-husband, Shem. Although the timing of this has come with difficulties, this has overall been a wonderfully positive thing to focus on. Starting a new life offered a fresh start and a future to focus on. Plus, planning the wedding in just three months provided moments of joy and purpose amongst the grief.
I also started a new job in the following October. This kept my mind and hands busy, and focusing on goals kept me looking forward rather than backwards.
Other positive things to focus on includes going to the gym / getting fit, starting a new hobby (or rediscovering an old one), and booking a trip and having something to look forward to.
Although these are all positive things to do, they come with a warning: don’t fill your time and mind as a way of running away from grief. There’s a fine line between a healthy focus and distraction. The more we avoid our emotions during such a difficult time, the bigger they get, which leads me onto my next point…
Facing your feelings
Sometimes my feelings hit me hard. I’m not an overly emotional person so when emotions do come, I can often feel overwhelmed. My natural response is to find something to fill my time or do something as some sort of escapism.
I’ve learnt that the best way to deal with difficult emotions is to work through them, which can sometimes look like you’re not coping. But working through emotions means doing the difficult thing and just sitting in them. There were days where I just didn’t leave my bed, even attending church wasn’t possible at times.
Talking to someone can be helpful too. At church, we have a pastoral worker that I’ve been speaking to throughout the whole process of Mum’s illness and then her passing. It’s great to know that when I have more difficult feelings there’s someone that I can talk things through with.
The more we face our emotions, the clearer and easier they become. The sooner we understand the root of our feelings, the sooner we are able to come out from our gloom pit and reconnect with the light.
Writing it down
In my darkest days, I struggled to remember simple things from the stressful times in the run up to and following Mum’s death. It was frustrating to look back on that period and realise that time was jumbled and memories were hazy.
Something that has really helped me with this is starting this blog. To look back on the time period and puzzle the pieces together, understand emotions around things, and recognise where God was working through it all, has been amazingly helpful.
Writing a blog is a little OTT, I know. But it actually started with journalling. On the days where thoughts were swimming around my head, I wrote them down. The thought of “keeping a diary” felt a little cringey, so I used a journalling app on my phone that’s Face ID protected.
Getting thoughts down stopped them from swimming around my head, and helped me to begin to work through them.
Being patient with yourself
Being patient with yourself is such an important part to all of this. There have been, and still are, some days where I wonder if I’ll ever see the other side of this. In all honesty, it’s unlikely I will. There is always going to be something that I wish I could say to Mum, or an event that I wish she could be at. But slowly the bad days are getting further and further apart.
It’s helpful to ask others to be patient with you too. At the age of 27, there aren’t that many people that will know what it’s like losing a Mum. Sometimes it’s helpful to just remind people of the difficult feelings you’re experiencing.
Shem has been amazingly patient with me, and such a support during this time of grief. But there have been times where I’ve still needed to remind him, or even just simply asked, “How would you feel in this circumstance after recently losing a loved one?”
Lovingly reminding those around you to be patient with you is just as important as reminding yourself to be patient too.
Having faith
Being a Christian has really got me through all of this too. I won’t lie though, sometimes I’ve been asking God some very big questions. Other times I have been crying out “Ok, that’s it. Haven’t I had enough happen? Can I please stop feeling like this now?”
But that’s the point, I’ve had a direction for my prayers. I can recognise that life can be really rubbish, and feel like it’s falling on top of you but through it all, God is with me and comforts me. I know He understands the feelings I feel because when Jesus was on this earth, He experienced the same feelings of loss and suffering.
Even though my prayers were often calls of despair, He still heard them and each day He gave me the strength I needed to get through. He helped me to see the blessings that were in my life, and has provided me with people that comfort, love and support me.
Faith also means trusting in the process and recognising that you are being shaped in the midst of trials, and that you are being shaped to help and comfort other people too – which continues to guide me today.
Marking a year in a positive way
As mentioned above, 30th July marked a year since Mum passed away. This was an interesting time, and such a milestone, as with grief as a whole, hits people differently. For me, it wasn’t as bad as the sixth month mark. I think because I knew it was coming, I was mentally very aware of it, but I didn’t have the same physical responses as the end of January.
When Mum died, she spent her final week at The North Devon Hospice. Whilst she was there she received amazing care and they enabled her to die in the way that she wanted to – and all for free!
Whilst she was at the hospice, I made a little promise to myself that each year I would raise money for such a wonderful charity as a positive way to remember Mum’s passing.
So, that’s what I did – I arranged a charity quiz night and invited family, friends and all of the community – 120 people turned up and we raised £1,379!
Planning the event and remembering the anniversary of Mum’s death in such a way gave me a positive focus and made the day really special. It offered an opportunity to gather close friends and family together, whilst doing something proactive and meaningful too.
Doing something so big may not be how you want to remember the anniversary of your loved one dying, but I really recommend doing something positive to mark the day. It helps to bring closure and turns the day into something special.
Grief is a journey without a clear map, but with time, patience, and support, it’s possible to find moments of light even in the darkest times. I hope that by sharing my story, others will find some comfort in knowing they’re not alone.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
GRACEFULL REFLECTIONS 